Man its lonely in this heart. Ive got room for all this love, its like a giant well about to overflow with crystal clear water, and yet no one wants a drink. Ive got this giant space for someone to fill, for someone to come on in and occupy. Ive got all this love and attention i wanna give to someone, all this energy that i want to use to make someone happy to make them feel like they are the most important thing in my life, and yet i can find no takers. Im finally ready after months of recovery, months of healing, and months of repair, im finally ready to give someone my love, and to give it unconditionally again. Im ready to show someone how much they mean to me, and im just ready to start again with someone new. And yet im getting all the same crap ive gotten my whole life. Im not good enough, Im not thin enough, im not tall enough, im not Abercrombie-model-looking enough, im not the kind of person that someone wants to be with. I actually went to my Rugby Formal alone, the most important night out for me this semester, and i was the only fuckhead without a goddamn date. That changed by the end of the night, but only because of the amount of alcohol that was consumed by some of the women there. And even after that, as with almost every damn weekend ive gone out this semester, i went home and wound up alone the next day. I mean do i rank that lowly that im only worthy of a girl's attention when shes too drunk to remember my name?? Lately, its the only thing ive found to be true. And then when its seems like ive found something good, someone who is honestly and truly interested, im wrong. I begin to be honest with that person, i tell them whats on my mind, i tell them all the things ive been through and i tell them the dumb things ive done and the tendencies i have, and then its like, i disappeared from their interest, and they dont return my calls, dont answer my emails, or dont talk to me online at all. And when i see them its like i never existed, they just walk right on by, no matter how many times i call out their name. What is it that turns people off from me? What do i do what do i say, that makes them think im not worth their time? Why is it im only attractive to someone when they are drunk? Why is it when i tell someone that i like them a lot and that i want to continue seeing them, all of a sudden they turn into a excuse-making machine, coming up with everything from forgotten girls night outs, to waiting for a phone call from an old friend, to stupid shit like i forgot i had a test in 2 days and i need to study. Im not lookin to marry anyway yet, but for god's sake, would it trouble you if i took 5 hours of your time to show you that i like you and to explain to you why i feel the way i do? Is it so wrong to feel something for someone right away? There are so many levels of love, and everyone is so goddamn scared of "i love you" cause they feel like they have to say it back and that gets them in trouble. If you love someone you should tell them, because in your own way, you do. You love them for who they are, or how they make you feel or because they make you smile and laugh, maybe you love them because you dont know what it is, but they fill something inside you. Ya know its sad that its easier for people to express hatred and to kill than it is for them to say i love you and to make someone feel good.
Its just plain sad that "i love you" has become more taboo than sex on tv or curse words.
Dont be afraid to love someone and to tell them if you do, even if its in your own weird, eccentric way. And if they run when you tell them, its their loss.
