Alright here it is. My Confession........i hate school......i never want to go to another class ever again in my life, if i had a choice, i would spend every weekday and weekend in NYC at auditions, trying to make my career. But i have to do well in school in case that doesnt work. Im setting myself up for failure, not a good plan. I sometimes wish i wasnt so talented, that things didnt come so easy, so id already have good habits and have to work for my success, but everything is ridiculously easy. Too easy, too light, not enough of a challenge. I can do everything im doin now, 3x over and still be able to take on somethin else. I seriously wanna be back in HS where the results and consequences were immediate, instead of delayed. Confession 2........Im a horrible person, afraid of commitment. Im a serious heartbreaker, lacking the emotions to feel anything when i hurt someone, and at times i dont really know ive done it. Ive met girls that have fallen for me, too quickly for my liking(which is hard to imagine being that im the hopeless romantic), and ive just brushed them off and broken them down as if they were nothing to anyone. They just didnt matter to me, much like i didnt matter to most girls when i was younger. I lack the ability to trust those who dont grow to love me, who instead love me from one day or one week. Confession 3.......im in love with a girl i really shouldnt be. She lives too far away, is too rich, too high class, too above my stature for me to even think ive got a chance with. Yet, everytime i talk to her, i feel like im right there, sittin next to her, seein her in front of me. I shouldnt be feeling these feelings that i am for her, yet because i know that she's probably gonna be coming up to see me this next week, i do. I honestly begin to feel that if i could i would go down to see her or have her come up to visit me every damn week........I would go to school in Houston, just to see her more often. Not something i should be thinking, especially after only spending one night with her, but i guess cause ive been talking to her constantly after that night, i can. Confession 4.......i dont sleep, much.......at least no where near as much as i should, my mind constantly runs and moves. I have no concept of time, no remorse for losing time, even though i know that every second i waste is another second closer to my death, another second ill never get back........hold up.......bad subject to bring up with me. Confession 5......most of you know me to not be afraid of almost anything........well thats true, except death. Everytime the subject comes up, i cry, bawl, and just plain breakdown cause i cant handle the thought of not doing the things i am now, no longer being able to live. OK REALLY GOTTA STOP NOW BEFORE I LOSE CONTROL.......sorry, its just harder than anything i can deal with. Confession 5.........i no longer care. about you, about myself, about my life........if its meant to be it will, and i will do whatever i need to in order to get myself to succeed. So as a warning, dont stand in my fuckin way. Or uz about to get run the fuck over.

Thats it, thats all that will fuckin matter from now on, and now you know, at least you think you do






i could have somethin else up my sleeve.

Ever get the feeling that no matter what you do, its impossible to get sleep the night before a big event? Im supposed to be sleeping now so that tomorrow night i can go to the city and compete for a chance to get a recording contract and fullfil my dream of stardom and fame. Im wide awake, nervous, excited, anxious, scared, happy, doubtful, optimistic, unsure, confident, all at the same time. Whats worse, is ive got more on my mind than just this performance. Ive got more than one woman that i continuously think about, more than one event coming up that im not ready for, and more than one area of my life that is startin to bug me. Yea everything is good and perfect right now, but i see trends forming and life getting harder real fast. I doubt this will even get me to relax and take my time, which i dont really have cause of all the work i need to catch up on. ive really been goin backwards in some areas.

Some things never seem to change.....like love. I know here i go again about love and all that stupid sentimental romantic shit, but not actually. Just keep reading. When there is no one there, when you called everyone and asked everyone to help you out and absolutely no one answers back, what do you do? You call the one person you forgot about all those years ago. Now this is gonna be very uncharacteristic of me, but, sometimes God or whoever it is, listens. Sometimes he listens real close and real hard. Youve often seen me talk about something missing from my life, and its always been love, well this time its still love but love for someone thats not there, me. I think for the first time, honestly the first time ever......i love me! I love who i am, what i do, where i go, who i hang out with, i love my life at this moment. I actually love the fact the im not with Christine, yet she and i are talking like old friends again. I love the fact that the girl im truly attracted to, is almost 3,000 miles away, yet i want nothing more than to just see her, even if for an hour. I love the fact the the crew i hang out with is exactly like me, wild, crazy and fun. Nuckin Futz, thats us. We are loud, we are obnoxious, we have no morals, and we dont give a fuck. Lucky, im not. Fortunate, very, very fortunate to have what i have, to do what i do, and to love it. To sing and give people joy, to sing and give joy to myself, is probably the most incredible feeling in the world i at 19 can experience right now. random song quote here "Cause your all i want, your all i need, your everything, Everything" ~~Lifehouse, "Everything" its just the song im listening to right now, and the one that seems to fit my mood and my life. Nothing is ever going to be perfect anymore, not like HS where i could do no wrong no matter how hard i tried. Everyday now will have its failures and successes, and i and those around me will need to learn how to deal with my shortcomings. I will never give up on myself again. I will never say im not good enough for someone, or im not good enough to do something, cause i know if i really want it, ill fuckin get it, ive proved it before and i sure as hell can prove it again wont be hard.

Interesting few weeks......opera is this sunday and i still dont have anything memorized and i really should. I have my competition this thursday night and i hope that i can get some sort of contract, whether it be recording, management or and agent. School is gettin to me and i havent really gone to class in a while, and i know how bad its gonna be cause i think ive probably missed a test in my Geology class, but i hope i can somehow find my motivation that i had at the beginning this semester.