Well needless to say i was rather emotional even for me in my last post....... i wish someone would comment on what i write once in a while, so i dont feel completely foolish spilling myself to digital nothingness. My opera, the Dialogues of the Carmelites is gonna be this weekend, Jan 28 and 29 @ 8pm, and Jan 30 @ 3pm......kinda lookin forward to it even though the opera sux, cause i may get the chance to see someone i havent seen in about 14 months......and i know if i say who it is, ill fuckin jinx it cause thats how it is with me, i think somethin is there, its solid and true, and then POOF! muthafucka is gone....

my parents are gone for the whole week, so probably tomorrow and wednesday night i will be having a party at my house, gonna try to get some beers, but if possible BYOB, and i do have a pretty full liquor cabinet but i dont wanna empty it, so anything anyone can contribute would be awesomeness. ya know still no luck in the search for a meaningful relationship.......just too many people have the wrong impression of me, and dont think that i can do anything more than think sexually. Whatever, im just being overly critical of myself and those around me...... i dont care, i care about finding someone that is actually gonna be right for me, who i can enjoy myself with, intelligent, sophisticated, lover of the arts, spontaneous, looks(hard to explain but there are many types that attract me), helps to be a little horny most of the time, maybe even athletic(definitely not a requirement), DRINKER, NOT A SMOKER(most important thing of all, gotta protect my voice), unconventional, enjoys being the center of attention, affectionate, honest!!!!, good kisser!, maybe a little exhibitionist, proud of self and talents, likes to be taken care of, yet independent as well, doesnt mind me being a little protective(i mean come on i am German AND Italian), and lastly, she would need to understand my past, embrace it, and not fear it, cause then my History will repeat itself.

Im gonna have a very busy semester this year.......i really need to focus, and im thinking about shutting down all my IM, cellphone, online things altogether, and stopping all my credit cards so i can spend unless ive got money in hand, i may not work, but im gonna try working and school, and friends, and rehearsals, and performances, and everything else, maybe i can find the balance i had in HS.

I like my ability to sift through a lot of people's bullshit that they try to feed me, their "nice" actions and their "fake" smiles, only to gather in dark and silent corners and defile me.......i dont seek retribution, i would simply rather to have it said to me, cause i know, and if i didnt, i would be able to find out in a heartbeat.





you know who you are