its hard to be doing everything you want to do, and still find time to develop a relationship with anyone, including friends........and nothing becomes very easy to manuevre. I find it especially difficult to convince someone you are worth their time when theings just arent going your way during the week and the most they see of you is when you are either angry or frustrated. And things have gone that way many times this semester....much to my disappointment, one person who i thought i was close to betrayed me, another stabbed me in the back and accused me of doing some pretty wild and down right disgusting things......But do i hang my head down low? do i bow to their pressures, their accusations? Do i become less of a man and let them lead my life? OF COURSE NOT! My head stays held high, i am better than to stoop to their level, to try to come back at them and bring myself in the mire they have created. I refuse to let them tear down this life i have built, if anyone will ruin what i have it will be me or God himself, and i dont honestly see him coming down here again anytime soon. That being said.....my Opera concert was soooooo awesome this past weekend, i loved it and everyone loved me, which rocks cause it feeds my ego........of course that happens to be the one thing i get egotistical about, and with all the hard work ive put in i think i deserve to be dammit! Ive got the solo in this Saturday's Chorale concert which i am really excited about cause it gives me another opportunity to show off my talents to the community and to gain the everso important recognition and familiarity that will help my career thrive......Moving on to the things that tend to rotate this crazy life i lead, friendships, relationships, and sports. Well the things besides music that is. First sports.....im on a Flag Football team with the guys at work, ands it fuckin awesome, our jersey's are cool as hell and our team is really good, i think we have a decent chance at winning some money and getting our names in the papers.(again all about gettin my name out there) Secondly, Friendships.......this is a big shout out to the boys......Tyler, Schlapp Schlong, and JC Laws.......you guys keep my sane and prevent me from fuckin ripping idiots heads off........great times weve had, better times yet to come.....to my brother Paul, friends by accident, brothers by choice, never had a better friend in my life, i owe a lot to you dude and i cant wait til we are all fuckin done with school so we can take over this fuckin planet. To the girls.....Christine, Lauren, and Rachel.......our time may have passed but there is always a spot for you in my heart, you need me, you call me, and ill be there. To old friends from UDel.....i know i havent talked to most of you much if at all, but trust me you guys are on my mind all the time and i miss you very much, wish the party was still goin on. and finally to the guys who have been there from very early on......Meigel, Stanczak, Abrams, Johnson, Zero........nothing i am today has come without the help of you guys, i thank you. Lastly relationships.......ok ive been single now for.......exactly 17 months.......which is the longest since i started dating that its been......and ive been trying to change that, but sometimes too hard, and other times not hard enough........but ive had some successes in creating friends, and some failures(or successes, depends how you look at it), in adding to my list of enemies, or people who hate me.....but there is someone else who ive "met", cause well i actually havent met her, but ive talked to her for the past week, and she seems really cool, a lot like me, down to earth, sarcastic, funny, ITALIAN, loud, direct, and from the pictures ive seen, she is also beautiful.......which is always a plus. i am hoping to get the chance to actually see her and spend some time with her in person this weekend, if i my car comes back from the shop. And i want to go to the Hoobastank concert with her next week so maybe i can finally get something goin in the right direction again and hopefully this time i wont screw it up right away. So if you pray, pray for me cause ill need all the help from above i can get.


As for this moment right here and now............i need to be alone again for the next few hours so ill probably play some Halo 2 and try to remember how it felt to care for someone more than anyone else in the world..........L'amour c'est vie

ok lots of interesting and exciting news to report on. First, on this coming friday Oct. 29th im having a Halloween Costume Party at my house. Next, on Nov. 14th I have my Opera Scences concert, and guess who is coming up to see it? None other than the Texas Blossom herself, Rachel the Flight Attendant. Then on Nov. 20th i have the Hofstra Chorale Concert. if you want any details on any of these events, call my cell 516-319-0249. In other news, work is goin well for the most part, but as at the MacGrill, the management is really really startin to get to me. i was in a car accident, and it wasnt my fault the guy rearended my beautiful car, but not to fear it will be fixed and payed for by the dumb smucks insurance company, being that his dumb lame ass was following me waaaaay to closely and a fuckin cabby cut me off. My voice is really starting to open up sooooo much more and my true sound is shocking, and im gonna have my tonsils removed very very soon so my sound will be that much bigger and resonant, and will make girls melt even more ;). Speaking about girls, weird things are starting to take place.......ive found the ability to fall in love again(fuckin took me long enough) and ive talked to Lauren and Christine in the past 2 weeks, for a long time with each. I might get the chance to see Christine again if she can come up for my show, if not i may go down in Dec. And on the ability to fall for someone again, i have, and she is also a singer, a Soprano this time.....lol.....sorry its a music joke, and up until recently she was out of reach, well until i told her how i felt......usually girls run away or laugh or somethin weird like that when i tell them. I dont wanna say anything else about her, except that to me she's awesome, and i like everything about her, and ive seen her on bad days and good so i have a pretty good idea of what she's like. I'm eager and anxious to see how things pan out in the next too weeks cause thats when the majority of things will happen. Ill say this about her too, thinking about her, has a very calming affect on me, something that hasnt happened since i met Rachel, and something that hasnt occured repeatedly since Christine. And going back to Christine, i wish you the best of luck with your surgery babe, youll be in my prayers every day!!!! and you have to promise me that as soon as you are better we will sing together ok? Other than that school is the same, but ive been sick and missed most of my classes last week, so i gotta do 2 reports by the end of the night lol what fun.

first off, a big whats up to my pal Rachel.....keep up the great work babe!......next a big i love you and keep ur chin up to Melissa, remember im always here for you and im not gonna disappear like everyone else has in the past. Youve made an impact in my life, and you belong here with all of us and if you ever are taken from us i dont know what id do, so keep feeling good about urself and if you ever need a shoulder to cry on just call me. Next, um well, schools been goin well, doing good with my tests and my classes and Opera is really going well, im excited about this years performance cause all the songs im doing are gonna be really really really good. Starting to miss the things about UD that i do miss less and less, except for my Rugby and my friends, the close ones anyway. Dont really miss Christine anymore, she barely even becomes a thought anymore and she doesnt talk to me anymore for some reason so out of sight out of mind type deal. oh well so much for her always being there......... just one more person who's broken that promise to me. But who needs to dwell on the past when there is so much ahead of me......and i love it that way

Another one of those sleepless nights in my life.....I had a lot of them at UD, but so far this is the only one since coming back home that has anything to do with school or work. And it actually has nothing to do with me coming home late from a party, a wild exotic week of drinking, or even skipping classes and sleeping instead. It has nothing to do with ex's, past hook-ups or even current ones. It has to do with the fact that im tired of being alone. For more than a year now, ive been the most single man on the eastern seaboard. Everywhere i look there are happy couples surrounding every part of my world, from inside the classroom, to walking to school, to serving them at work, to seeing them at the bars or clubs at night. Im happy for them, cause they has something i dont. Someone to love and someone who loves them. So many times ive talked about girls i would like to date and as soon as i do, things fall apart. Most of these past 15 months alone have not been easy at all. Ive had many cold lonely nights in my room, wondering as i drifted off to sleep......"will tomorrow be the day i meet someone who will take a chance on me?" And that is part of the reason i wake up every morning. Because i dont want to miss out on the enormous opportunities i could face every waking moment. I want to be important in someone's life again. I want to feel needed and appreciated for the things i do for someone, not to get something in return, but because i want to do it for them because i love them. I dont want to look at the blue days and see gray clouds. And when i stand i dont want to be tired right away and say "awww fuck it" I wanna stand up and say "lets make this day perfection" I WANT TO BE LOVED. I want someone to genuinely smile when they see me, walk up to me, hold me in their arms, look into my eyes, and utter three simple yet fulfilling words......."I love you". I dont want to be the nice guy that finishes last again and again. I want to be the nice guy that rose up against the odds, defied the stereotype and shout "I WON", without every having to scream it. Because that look will be written all over my face when i am walking with a beautiful woman holding my hand by my side. I want to give a girl flowers at random times, surprise her by making her dinner and sharing a bottle of wine, while listening to romantic classical music or opera. I want to take a walk on the beach at sunset, stay there all night and while lying on a blanket in the dunes, watch the first light come up off the ocean. I want to suddenly show up at her class, whisking her away from the monotony of school to have a picnic in the park or to go for a ride and share an intimate moment alone in my room. I want to feel the warmth of someones hand holding mine, the sweetness of someones lips as they are kissing me, and i want to hear those three simple words over and over and over again. I feel as if i have one or two chances left to get something started before the school year becomes too deep and acquaitances become friends and line becomes to thick to break and too tall to cross. The time is now, the change is here, THE ME I AM HAS ARRIVED

I feel so wasted......i feel a lot like a drunk man who keeps drinking and even when he stops everything continues spinning and churning.  Its been a little crazy around here......I went to OZZFEST on the 14th, and it was the most fun ive had at a concert alone ever........i went nuts, moshing, fighting, throwing people on stage, crowdsurfing, drinking, talkin to other Heavy Metal fans......meeting some of my favorite bands, it was an all-around great time.  That was a Wednesday and then i had work for the rest of the weekend, which was really good cause i made a lot of money that i needed, and on Sunday, MJ, Brian and I went to the Mets game against Philly.......the Mets crushed and demoralized the Phillies, completely pounding them 6-1.  So many memories from just the one game i cant put them all down here.  We all had an awesome time and just had fun with each other.  Mets fans bonding.....its a sight to behold.  Monday was really cool cause we had the Friday's softball games...i played in 2 of them and had some excellent defensive plays, and i had one clutch sacrifice fly, every other ball i hit was hard, but all were easy outs

Its been a while since ive put something on here, then again, its been a while since ive had some quality time and inspiration to write anything. I miss Rachel, i really do, and even though im trying my best not to attach myself, the harder i fight the more i seem to lose the battle. Not that i could be a bad thing, but id hate to ruin something so beautiful, so perfect, so understandable. But as much as i dont wanna attach myself to her, i would like to finally get back into a relationship with someone. So this is for all the single women out there, if you are looking for a sensitive, sensible, understanding, caring, gentleman, im ur guy. If you are looking for an intelligent, well-spoken, classy, charismatic young man, im your guy. If you are looking for an athletic, powerful, protective, muscular man, im your guy. If you are looking for an artsy, worldly, creative, musically talented romantic, im your guy. If you are looking for an asshole who will neglect you and treat you like shit, embarrass you all the time and cheat on you......im NOT your guy. The only thing that i ask, is that you be honest, be able to hold a conversation, have some interest in either sports or the arts, and funny......i have the widest sense of humor, ill laugh at almost anything, even myself, if you have a beautiful smile, dont hide it, show it, especially when you are laughing. Girls and women always look their best and their sexiest when they are smiling.


So, im sure some of those who actually read this, besides me, are probably wondering whats been goin on since May 12th. Well turns out i passed my classes, somehow with flying colors. I got a job as a waiter at TGIFridays, and i love it, absolutely look forward to going to work almost everyday. The customers are great, the mangers are great, my co-workers are awesome, and the girls, the girls, are all fabulous. I got a new car.....a 2004 VW Beetle Convertible, Galactic Blue, with Black Leather interior, and a black canvas top. I love this car. It fits me like a glove, its hip, its cool, it stands out, its cute ;). Its got a whole lot of features on it too. Everything from heated seats, to Side-Airbags, to CD player, to booming sound system, and even a Tiptronic Transmisson.(those who dont know what that is, look it up). Starting Monday, im takin Intro to Sociology and US History 1 at NCC for the summer, to catch up on the yr and a half i lost out on at UD. Everything i did at UD other than school work, was a learning experience. I did not learn one thing i didnt already know while at UD in the classroom that is. But somewhere between the Rugby games, the sleepless nights, the parties, the problems, the Fraternity events, the love, the loss, the drunk nights and the semi-sober days, the dining hall, the road trips, the friends made and lost, the one night stands, and the 9 months.......i learned who i am, who i was, who i want to be. I learned how much i could drink, how much i could eat, how much i could love, and how much i could lose on any given day. I learned what i wanted, what i needed, and what i could accomplish if i wanted it bad enough. I learned that no matter what people say, or what "bonds" you share that would tie you together, people lie, people cheat, and people will betray you, if they can, and especially if it will help them out. In some cases, people will even try to steal what is closest and dearest to your heart right out from inside you, by defaming you, if in the end, they look like Midas. I learned out not to trust. I learned to be more cynical, racial, ethnic, than i ever was before. But i also learned how to accept, take responsibility, and live with my consequences brought on by my actions. I became mature, not quite yet a man, but far, a very far cry from the boy i was when i left home.

To set the record straight, my last post is exactly what it says, confessions. Inspired by a few friends, and oddly enough Usher's new album, i decided i needed to let go of a few things. Im not depressed, angry, upset or self-destructing again. I got over and defeated all that last semester.

Alright here it is. My Confession........i hate school......i never want to go to another class ever again in my life, if i had a choice, i would spend every weekday and weekend in NYC at auditions, trying to make my career. But i have to do well in school in case that doesnt work. Im setting myself up for failure, not a good plan. I sometimes wish i wasnt so talented, that things didnt come so easy, so id already have good habits and have to work for my success, but everything is ridiculously easy. Too easy, too light, not enough of a challenge. I can do everything im doin now, 3x over and still be able to take on somethin else. I seriously wanna be back in HS where the results and consequences were immediate, instead of delayed. Confession 2........Im a horrible person, afraid of commitment. Im a serious heartbreaker, lacking the emotions to feel anything when i hurt someone, and at times i dont really know ive done it. Ive met girls that have fallen for me, too quickly for my liking(which is hard to imagine being that im the hopeless romantic), and ive just brushed them off and broken them down as if they were nothing to anyone. They just didnt matter to me, much like i didnt matter to most girls when i was younger. I lack the ability to trust those who dont grow to love me, who instead love me from one day or one week. Confession 3.......im in love with a girl i really shouldnt be. She lives too far away, is too rich, too high class, too above my stature for me to even think ive got a chance with. Yet, everytime i talk to her, i feel like im right there, sittin next to her, seein her in front of me. I shouldnt be feeling these feelings that i am for her, yet because i know that she's probably gonna be coming up to see me this next week, i do. I honestly begin to feel that if i could i would go down to see her or have her come up to visit me every damn week........I would go to school in Houston, just to see her more often. Not something i should be thinking, especially after only spending one night with her, but i guess cause ive been talking to her constantly after that night, i can. Confession 4.......i dont sleep, much.......at least no where near as much as i should, my mind constantly runs and moves. I have no concept of time, no remorse for losing time, even though i know that every second i waste is another second closer to my death, another second ill never get back........hold up.......bad subject to bring up with me. Confession 5......most of you know me to not be afraid of almost anything........well thats true, except death. Everytime the subject comes up, i cry, bawl, and just plain breakdown cause i cant handle the thought of not doing the things i am now, no longer being able to live. OK REALLY GOTTA STOP NOW BEFORE I LOSE CONTROL.......sorry, its just harder than anything i can deal with. Confession 5.........i no longer care. about you, about myself, about my life........if its meant to be it will, and i will do whatever i need to in order to get myself to succeed. So as a warning, dont stand in my fuckin way. Or uz about to get run the fuck over.

Thats it, thats all that will fuckin matter from now on, and now you know, at least you think you do






i could have somethin else up my sleeve.

Ever get the feeling that no matter what you do, its impossible to get sleep the night before a big event? Im supposed to be sleeping now so that tomorrow night i can go to the city and compete for a chance to get a recording contract and fullfil my dream of stardom and fame. Im wide awake, nervous, excited, anxious, scared, happy, doubtful, optimistic, unsure, confident, all at the same time. Whats worse, is ive got more on my mind than just this performance. Ive got more than one woman that i continuously think about, more than one event coming up that im not ready for, and more than one area of my life that is startin to bug me. Yea everything is good and perfect right now, but i see trends forming and life getting harder real fast. I doubt this will even get me to relax and take my time, which i dont really have cause of all the work i need to catch up on. ive really been goin backwards in some areas.

Some things never seem to change.....like love. I know here i go again about love and all that stupid sentimental romantic shit, but not actually. Just keep reading. When there is no one there, when you called everyone and asked everyone to help you out and absolutely no one answers back, what do you do? You call the one person you forgot about all those years ago. Now this is gonna be very uncharacteristic of me, but, sometimes God or whoever it is, listens. Sometimes he listens real close and real hard. Youve often seen me talk about something missing from my life, and its always been love, well this time its still love but love for someone thats not there, me. I think for the first time, honestly the first time ever......i love me! I love who i am, what i do, where i go, who i hang out with, i love my life at this moment. I actually love the fact the im not with Christine, yet she and i are talking like old friends again. I love the fact that the girl im truly attracted to, is almost 3,000 miles away, yet i want nothing more than to just see her, even if for an hour. I love the fact the the crew i hang out with is exactly like me, wild, crazy and fun. Nuckin Futz, thats us. We are loud, we are obnoxious, we have no morals, and we dont give a fuck. Lucky, im not. Fortunate, very, very fortunate to have what i have, to do what i do, and to love it. To sing and give people joy, to sing and give joy to myself, is probably the most incredible feeling in the world i at 19 can experience right now. random song quote here "Cause your all i want, your all i need, your everything, Everything" ~~Lifehouse, "Everything" its just the song im listening to right now, and the one that seems to fit my mood and my life. Nothing is ever going to be perfect anymore, not like HS where i could do no wrong no matter how hard i tried. Everyday now will have its failures and successes, and i and those around me will need to learn how to deal with my shortcomings. I will never give up on myself again. I will never say im not good enough for someone, or im not good enough to do something, cause i know if i really want it, ill fuckin get it, ive proved it before and i sure as hell can prove it again wont be hard.

Interesting few weeks......opera is this sunday and i still dont have anything memorized and i really should. I have my competition this thursday night and i hope that i can get some sort of contract, whether it be recording, management or and agent. School is gettin to me and i havent really gone to class in a while, and i know how bad its gonna be cause i think ive probably missed a test in my Geology class, but i hope i can somehow find my motivation that i had at the beginning this semester.