To set the record straight, my last post is exactly what it says, confessions. Inspired by a few friends, and oddly enough Usher's new album, i decided i needed to let go of a few things. Im not depressed, angry, upset or self-destructing again. I got over and defeated all that last semester.

Alright here it is. My Confession........i hate school......i never want to go to another class ever again in my life, if i had a choice, i would spend every weekday and weekend in NYC at auditions, trying to make my career. But i have to do well in school in case that doesnt work. Im setting myself up for failure, not a good plan. I sometimes wish i wasnt so talented, that things didnt come so easy, so id already have good habits and have to work for my success, but everything is ridiculously easy. Too easy, too light, not enough of a challenge. I can do everything im doin now, 3x over and still be able to take on somethin else. I seriously wanna be back in HS where the results and consequences were immediate, instead of delayed. Confession 2........Im a horrible person, afraid of commitment. Im a serious heartbreaker, lacking the emotions to feel anything when i hurt someone, and at times i dont really know ive done it. Ive met girls that have fallen for me, too quickly for my liking(which is hard to imagine being that im the hopeless romantic), and ive just brushed them off and broken them down as if they were nothing to anyone. They just didnt matter to me, much like i didnt matter to most girls when i was younger. I lack the ability to trust those who dont grow to love me, who instead love me from one day or one week. Confession 3.......im in love with a girl i really shouldnt be. She lives too far away, is too rich, too high class, too above my stature for me to even think ive got a chance with. Yet, everytime i talk to her, i feel like im right there, sittin next to her, seein her in front of me. I shouldnt be feeling these feelings that i am for her, yet because i know that she's probably gonna be coming up to see me this next week, i do. I honestly begin to feel that if i could i would go down to see her or have her come up to visit me every damn week........I would go to school in Houston, just to see her more often. Not something i should be thinking, especially after only spending one night with her, but i guess cause ive been talking to her constantly after that night, i can. Confession 4.......i dont sleep, much.......at least no where near as much as i should, my mind constantly runs and moves. I have no concept of time, no remorse for losing time, even though i know that every second i waste is another second closer to my death, another second ill never get back........hold up.......bad subject to bring up with me. Confession 5......most of you know me to not be afraid of almost anything........well thats true, except death. Everytime the subject comes up, i cry, bawl, and just plain breakdown cause i cant handle the thought of not doing the things i am now, no longer being able to live. OK REALLY GOTTA STOP NOW BEFORE I LOSE CONTROL.......sorry, its just harder than anything i can deal with. Confession 5.........i no longer care. about you, about myself, about my life........if its meant to be it will, and i will do whatever i need to in order to get myself to succeed. So as a warning, dont stand in my fuckin way. Or uz about to get run the fuck over.

Thats it, thats all that will fuckin matter from now on, and now you know, at least you think you do






i could have somethin else up my sleeve.

Ever get the feeling that no matter what you do, its impossible to get sleep the night before a big event? Im supposed to be sleeping now so that tomorrow night i can go to the city and compete for a chance to get a recording contract and fullfil my dream of stardom and fame. Im wide awake, nervous, excited, anxious, scared, happy, doubtful, optimistic, unsure, confident, all at the same time. Whats worse, is ive got more on my mind than just this performance. Ive got more than one woman that i continuously think about, more than one event coming up that im not ready for, and more than one area of my life that is startin to bug me. Yea everything is good and perfect right now, but i see trends forming and life getting harder real fast. I doubt this will even get me to relax and take my time, which i dont really have cause of all the work i need to catch up on. ive really been goin backwards in some areas.

Some things never seem to change.....like love. I know here i go again about love and all that stupid sentimental romantic shit, but not actually. Just keep reading. When there is no one there, when you called everyone and asked everyone to help you out and absolutely no one answers back, what do you do? You call the one person you forgot about all those years ago. Now this is gonna be very uncharacteristic of me, but, sometimes God or whoever it is, listens. Sometimes he listens real close and real hard. Youve often seen me talk about something missing from my life, and its always been love, well this time its still love but love for someone thats not there, me. I think for the first time, honestly the first time ever......i love me! I love who i am, what i do, where i go, who i hang out with, i love my life at this moment. I actually love the fact the im not with Christine, yet she and i are talking like old friends again. I love the fact that the girl im truly attracted to, is almost 3,000 miles away, yet i want nothing more than to just see her, even if for an hour. I love the fact the the crew i hang out with is exactly like me, wild, crazy and fun. Nuckin Futz, thats us. We are loud, we are obnoxious, we have no morals, and we dont give a fuck. Lucky, im not. Fortunate, very, very fortunate to have what i have, to do what i do, and to love it. To sing and give people joy, to sing and give joy to myself, is probably the most incredible feeling in the world i at 19 can experience right now. random song quote here "Cause your all i want, your all i need, your everything, Everything" ~~Lifehouse, "Everything" its just the song im listening to right now, and the one that seems to fit my mood and my life. Nothing is ever going to be perfect anymore, not like HS where i could do no wrong no matter how hard i tried. Everyday now will have its failures and successes, and i and those around me will need to learn how to deal with my shortcomings. I will never give up on myself again. I will never say im not good enough for someone, or im not good enough to do something, cause i know if i really want it, ill fuckin get it, ive proved it before and i sure as hell can prove it again wont be hard.

Interesting few weeks......opera is this sunday and i still dont have anything memorized and i really should. I have my competition this thursday night and i hope that i can get some sort of contract, whether it be recording, management or and agent. School is gettin to me and i havent really gone to class in a while, and i know how bad its gonna be cause i think ive probably missed a test in my Geology class, but i hope i can somehow find my motivation that i had at the beginning this semester.

ya know whats cool?? the fact that in 2 days im done with finals, in 2 days im goin home, in 3 days im goin the JetsvsPatriots game with my best friend ever, in 4 days im goin to see the Irish Tenors with my parents, in 5 days im havin a MNF party at my place cause the PACKERS ARE ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL BABY!!!!!!, in 6 days ill be doin the last of my very late Christmas shopping, and quite possibly goin to see LOTR again with a dear friend of mine, in 7 days its Christmas Eve and ill be singing my favorite songs of all time, and in 8 days its Christmas full of presents, friends, family, love, hope, faith, joy, song, merriment, food, and new memories to be made..........................will you be a part of my amazing up coming week?

Man its lonely in this heart. Ive got room for all this love, its like a giant well about to overflow with crystal clear water, and yet no one wants a drink. Ive got this giant space for someone to fill, for someone to come on in and occupy. Ive got all this love and attention i wanna give to someone, all this energy that i want to use to make someone happy to make them feel like they are the most important thing in my life, and yet i can find no takers. Im finally ready after months of recovery, months of healing, and months of repair, im finally ready to give someone my love, and to give it unconditionally again. Im ready to show someone how much they mean to me, and im just ready to start again with someone new. And yet im getting all the same crap ive gotten my whole life. Im not good enough, Im not thin enough, im not tall enough, im not Abercrombie-model-looking enough, im not the kind of person that someone wants to be with. I actually went to my Rugby Formal alone, the most important night out for me this semester, and i was the only fuckhead without a goddamn date. That changed by the end of the night, but only because of the amount of alcohol that was consumed by some of the women there. And even after that, as with almost every damn weekend ive gone out this semester, i went home and wound up alone the next day. I mean do i rank that lowly that im only worthy of a girl's attention when shes too drunk to remember my name?? Lately, its the only thing ive found to be true. And then when its seems like ive found something good, someone who is honestly and truly interested, im wrong. I begin to be honest with that person, i tell them whats on my mind, i tell them all the things ive been through and i tell them the dumb things ive done and the tendencies i have, and then its like, i disappeared from their interest, and they dont return my calls, dont answer my emails, or dont talk to me online at all. And when i see them its like i never existed, they just walk right on by, no matter how many times i call out their name. What is it that turns people off from me? What do i do what do i say, that makes them think im not worth their time? Why is it im only attractive to someone when they are drunk? Why is it when i tell someone that i like them a lot and that i want to continue seeing them, all of a sudden they turn into a excuse-making machine, coming up with everything from forgotten girls night outs, to waiting for a phone call from an old friend, to stupid shit like i forgot i had a test in 2 days and i need to study. Im not lookin to marry anyway yet, but for god's sake, would it trouble you if i took 5 hours of your time to show you that i like you and to explain to you why i feel the way i do? Is it so wrong to feel something for someone right away? There are so many levels of love, and everyone is so goddamn scared of "i love you" cause they feel like they have to say it back and that gets them in trouble. If you love someone you should tell them, because in your own way, you do. You love them for who they are, or how they make you feel or because they make you smile and laugh, maybe you love them because you dont know what it is, but they fill something inside you. Ya know its sad that its easier for people to express hatred and to kill than it is for them to say i love you and to make someone feel good.


Its just plain sad that "i love you" has become more taboo than sex on tv or curse words.

Dont be afraid to love someone and to tell them if you do, even if its in your own weird, eccentric way. And if they run when you tell them, its their loss.

Im not done, no im not done. You want me to stop but ill keep swinging away at your head. Im gonna crush your skull, and then piss on your grave. You crossed the wrong person too many times, and now your gonna pay for it. I wont let you run all over me anymore im gonna stand up for my rights and what i believe in. Youve lost control of me now and im gonna make sure you never get it back. Im not your bitch and im not gonna do whatever you want whenever you tell me. I regret not doin this before, not steppin up and taking a stand and being a man. Ive grown up since you last knew me and this person i am now is nothing like what you are used to. Im gonna make you see that i can be independent, and i dont need you to make me feel good about myself. Im gonna show you that just cause you kiss me and tell me that you havent let go of the feelings you had that im not just gonna fall to my knees or let my guard down and let you in to my heart. I know you too well, even though ive just begun to realize who you are. I see you in my dreams, but that doesnt mean i really want you in my bed with me. I love you yes thats true but who says i cant do that and still hate you for shutting me out and shooting me down. And dont tell me that hates so strong cause you know damn well what i mean. And if you dont then ill tell you. Im frustrated, im tired, and i dont wanna deal with this rejection anymore. You tell me to be honest with you and it gets me nowhere, and i just couldnt hold it in. I thought that maybe if i expressed how i felt you would accept it and maybe tell me how you felt, but i still dont have a response from it. Im sorry if you think i was pressuring you, i thought you would have understood that i was just being honest and spilling my heart and telling you what was on my mind, just like every other time ive talked to you. Now i dont know who to turn to, when i need to talk to someone who i am close to, cause i dont know if you are gonna listen or if you are even gonna care. So tell me, if i come to you crying, are you gonna give me a tissue and tell me to dry my eyes or hold me against you and give me your shoulder and comfort me? Am i gonna be knockin on your door for days with no answer or will you look outside your window, see its me and let me in and give me a place to feel safe?








I guess not






But thats ok, i told you ill make it on my own

Had our first Rugby Tournament of the semester this year and it was fuckin AWESOME!!! got up at like 730 sat morning to drive up to Media, PA where we had out first game at 1000am. We played Ursinus and totally ripped them a new one. They got lucky and scored once but we came right back and got 2 tries and easily won. The second game we had was a little harder and we should have won but some bad calls and a missed 2pointer were the difference. Widner tried acting all tough after they beat us by saying "thats why you guys are B-side" which was the dumbest fucking thing ever said cause they were their schools A-side and we almost beat them.!!! what a bunch of fuckin morons. Anyway i didnt play in the first game and only played the second half in the second game, but we had one more game left, against Swarthmore. I played the entire game with the exception of the last 5 min at Inside-center and did some serious damage. I ran over a few guys, got in on like 2 big mauls and did some pretty good rucking. We had good plays and moved the ball usually with ease. They were so bad at scrumming that we had to play most of the game uncontested. Oh well we should have won by at least another 15 points but we had 2 tries called back because the ref was dumb and didnt think we had possession of the ball, whatever fuck her we won anyway. Everyone got nice and banged up but it was the most fun ive had since JV football. I realized that the lack of sports in my life had made me very depressed and very angry. And while i was out on the field i realized how much i missed the comraderie of sports and how much i needed to be out there again. I have found my passion again and nothing is gonna stop me. After all the games were done, we stopped at Pat's Cheesesteaks in Philly and again it was awesome. Finally got home, showered and hung around for like 30min before goin with my teammate to the ER to get him some stiches. Afterwards, we went to one of the Rugby houses for a great fuckin party which kicked major ass. Got drunk, stoned and had just an all around good time. Weekends rock

if you could hold the world in your hands and control its every action, would you really want to? Imagine what one mistake would do. Im sure it would be great to have all that control and all that power but you and i are only human. It is in our nature to err. So imagine if you magnify one tiny mistake here on Earth to what that would be if you were say God. You slept too late=the sun forgets to rise, you step on a bug=stepping on a human, you break someone's heart=an entire country worth of people mourn, you hit someone=an earthquake killing huindreds. So the little mistakes we make here on Earth would have a pretty big effect if we were God. Well i guess the same goes true in a relationship. You hold that small world in your hands everyday. When you dont call that person=Its a cloudy day, when you tell that person you dont love them=monsoon season, when you hit that person=Hurricane Andrew, when you yell and get angry at that person=tornados and thunderstorms, but hopefully when you apologize to that person or tell them you still love them=nothing but a warm breezy day in June. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone does really dumb and stupid shit. For to err is human and to forgive is divine. If we can make one mistake less each day, maybe the human race will survive pretty well after all.