Airports

This is the face I'm gonna miss. This is the girl I'm gonna wish was in my bed every night. As I sit in Sky Harbor, waiting to go to LAX then FRA and finally DUB, all my heart and mind can focus on is her. I'm really excited for this trip, been looking forward to it for over a year. But I'll really miss her every day and every step of this trip I'll wish she was by my side, seeing everything with me. I love you Tessa, always and forever.❤❤❤💜💜💜

Today

Today is a day where I know I will be struggling all day. A day where my heart will ache, my eyes will tear up, and my mind will race. I will try to fight it and hopefully lose. I will learn not to fight myself as much. I will learn to be more calm and take life as it comes to me. I will try to be less sensitive, more understanding, less combative. I will miss Tessa, want to see her, fall in love and have my heart broken by her. Today is going to be better than yesterday, but only half as good as tomorrow. Today and everyday I will be getting better. I will still fall, I will still fail, but I will be able to get back up and move on.

Almost two full years since I last created a digital form of myself. 2 years since I bared my soul toward the unforgiving world of the modern time. Things that were relevant, important, life-altering 2 years ago - carry no weight or sense of perception today. Ideas, concepts and needs I thought I had many years to yet concern myself with become more my reality than my future. I find myself older in years, older in experience and older in time but still the young boy at heart who loves nothing more than having fun. Still the little boy who dreams of being applauded by thousands. Still the young man who wants to be better tomorrow than he is today.

Even though my path has changed, the direction - altered, I still find within me the same goals and ideals that allowed me to get to the place I am today. I do still have many of the same wants, much like any other person definitely require the same needs. (with of course a few modifications). I've wanted much of the same things I always have. The love and respect of my family - which has almost never waned, even in my darkest, worst, weakest, most despicable moments. The ability to choose my path in much of the daily life I lead. Good friends, trustworthy people who I can put the safety of my life and death in their hands. A healthy voice - which even through some abuse, has given me power and beauty like I've never expected. The respect of my co-workers - I know not everyone will like me. I know not everyone will think I'm competent or intelligent. But I believe that respect is both earned and given, and much like the Golden Rule it is very much a two way street.

Most of all I've wanted, still want and will always want a competent, strong-willed, caring, beautiful, loving woman by my side. At times I have been luck enough to have one. At times I haven't been smart enough to do the right things at the right times to hold onto one. At times I have been cheated on, dumped, duped, lied to, and treated very poorly by women obviously not meant for me on a longer term basis than the amount of time they were in my life. Not one can say though that I didn't give everything I had at one point of another in the relationship.

I have however been a victim of my own overactive mind. My own stupidity. My own insecurities. I've overanalyzed, over-criticized, and over-thought myself into many a sticky situation and far too many awkward ones.

Every relationship is defined by moments. Between friends, between family, between lovers, between strangers. Moments that will either divide and tear the relationship apart, or fuse and bring the two people involved that much closer. But the effects may not necessarily be felt or realized or even recognized right away. It's the little things that arise in the absence of treading that ground again, of coming back to that moment that remind you or inspire you to remember how amazing or asinine that person is. Love is a serious of deeply intense moments, much like hate, but its easier to hate someone than love them. Love takes sacrifice and compromise, heartache and pleasure, and a lot of hard work to be successful.

How do you know when you've had a moment? Strangely enough, most times you won't know. The moment, the fleeting, ethereal, singular moment will have passed and neither person will have seen it, or felt it until it has long passed. Then you will look back on that moment and suddenly realized that a connection was made - the moment happened. Some people are able to know and appreciate a moment when it happens, or immediately following it.

I believe I am that type of person, I believe I have that gift.

It is a beautiful gift that is so difficult to explain and so hard to appreciate because it can be both beneficial and terrible at the same time. I remember some of the most embarrassing moments of my life, even from a young age, and I remember many of the most amazing and inspiring moments of my life, and those serve as fuel and reminder to my path and destination.

Such a gift to be given this moment in time.

Without remorse we believe each day belongs to us.

Without thinking we injure our spirit by deadening our senses.

There is no way out once everything has collapsed upon itself.

We shut ourselves out to the beauty in the seconds.

We ignore the importance of the passing minutes.

We neglect each other for a few hours of ethereal pleasure.

Soon the days of inspiration turn into weeks of hardship.

Months may pass before we no longer are embarrassed.

Years will pass before forgiveness can be given.

Before internal redemption can be had.

Before love can rise out of the ashes.

In these pre-dawn moments I cannot help but have tears in my eyes.

I know I am loved and yet I still feel so alone.

I have achieved, I have succeeded, I have triumphed.

I have given, taken, loved, hated.

I have wanted, needed, denied and accepted.

I have found, lost, begun and ended.

I have hurt, injured, healed, repaired.

I have woken, slept, worked and rested.

I've spoken with my heart, I've lashed out with my emotions.

I've defended and attacked.

I have lived and died everyday.

There are too many reasons not to do the right thing, so why do I chose to be different?

There are many reasons to give up, and yet why do I hold my head high?

There are excuses to have and give, and yet I seek no comfort in false promises.

I have a dream I am chasing and no one to share it with.

How does one overcome so much personal failure to still be successful in the life he loves?

How does one gain the courage to be a light in the darkest of hours?

Who dares to fight until their body collapses and their breath gives out?

Who claws to write his own destiny and never be held back by those who have doubted day after day and year after year?

I do.

I don't expect you to follow my lead, and I don't want you to tame me. I want you to run with me, take the reigns and share them with me. I want you to be the one who shelters you from the evil sent our way. I want to be the one to raise you high when you feel at your lowest. I want to give you everything you've dreamed about and pined for, just to see you smile - pure and genuine. I'd do anything to have you be the person you should be, not the one that gets worn down by the grind and the stress and the bullshit.

I don't expect you to love me for who you think I am. I want you to love me for the person you haven't met yet.

We know so little of what lies ahead of us, unless we create our own destiny and fill the script with our words, fill the canvas with our brushstrokes.

We live lives far too short to waste any moment that could be consumed by beauty.

Beauty that never needs to be seen by the eye or perceived by the beholder.

Beauty that may be oblivious to those enraptured by it, but beheld by all those around who can sense and appreciate what a fleeting moment of perfection this scene may be.

I'll do anything to see you smile, because thats when you look your best.

There is so much radiance that we fail to observe and adore. There are too many times where we don't see the shining spirit inside of us enough to release its power unto the world.

We hid behind our prejudices, our preconceptions, our fears and our failures.

We should embrace each challenge and learn as much as we can about those around us and who have come before us.

I'll always be here for you.

I'll always support you.

I'll always be by your side.

I'll always smile when I see you.

I'll always be the rock to give you strength, the arms to hold you tight, the shoulder to cry your pains away, the wind kissing your checks when I'm not around.

I will never abandon you

Oh Sheesh Y'all, Twas a Dream!

So it's 2am on a monday night/tuesday morning and im buzzing right along. So much on the brain i need to dump it out. After Fledermaus i got an audition for Merry Widow with the Amore Opera Co. formerly the Amato Opera Co. Rocked the audition and got an understudy of Camille. Well through a lot of hard work and dedication i managed to go from cover to lead Camille and performing 5 of the 12 performances scheduled. It was amazing. Rehearsing and performing in NYC has been a dream of mine for many many years, and here it was and there i was - doing it. i had to stop myself and reality check that i was actually there in Manhattan living my dream! The shows were phenomenal and i worked and was able to sing with so many talented and incredible people it all seemed like a dream. I owe a lot to my conductor, Mr. Ray Calderon who was great at pushing me to truly find all the nuances and expressions my role could capture and allowing me to be completely organic within the music, with the orchestra, with the role, and with him on stage and to simply let my artistry and talent shine.

Now I am currently working on Magic Flute, in which i will be playing Tamino and the role is considerably more difficult and challenging in terms of how much Tamino sings. The tessitura is also a little higher than Camille was, with fewer periods of resting low notes. Although not range wise as high as Camille, Tamino offers plenty of points for the Tenor to shine, especially in his Aria - "Dies Bildness". Absolutely Gorgeous. Mozart truly was a Genius, beyond any that exist today or in my opinion have ever existed. Such a same he died so young and without releasing and sharing all the beautiful music, talent and art locked inside that mind. I am so incredibly thankful for the opportunity to share in the heart and soul of an artist like Mozart and to do so in an environment that is a great beginning to what I hope is fruitful and lengthy career. These are the moments and this is the time i have waited and worked and hoped and prayed for, for many nights and weeks, months and years.

In other news, Ive started working at the Walt Whitman Apple Store in Huntington Station, NY. And its probably one of the best decisions i have ever made. What an amazing place to work and truly an amazing company to work for. Easily the most supportive and enlightening environment i have ever been a part of.

Ah so it's been some time yet again. A lot has happened since then. But then again it wouldnt be me if there wasnt something going on. I just performed Die Fledermaus at Hofstra, and it was amazing! But more on that in a moment.

September and October were pretty ho hum, although i did start working at a different restaurant. Same bullshit, different place lol. November was good, Thanksgiving especially cause i made a massive feast enjoyed by all and for many many days. But December is really where things felt like they were changing. I got offered a job at Apple, which i should start by the end of this month, my voice really came into its own, with a lot of help and guidance from my rockstar teacher, and i felt a whole new sense of confidence and an aura of peace came over me. Gone were the days of worrying if my voice would fail me, if I was even good enough to be doing this. My work ethic changed a lot too, especially when it came to music. I had been cast as Eisenstein in Die Fledermaus with a second guy, but it was his first foray into Opera so it was all a big unknown.

Even so I worked my butt off to make sure I was prepared for the second day of January when rehearsals started. And as soon as they started things really turned unusual. It was a sprint, everyday from 10 or 11 am until sometimes 930pm. Long, tiring days spent with some of the greatest cast members ever. Everyone seemed to be prepared and worked on things on their own. I could tell I was born for a role like this, lots of stage time, lots of acting, lots of singing and being able to express all the emotions. It had power (Act 3), energy (Act 1 duet), passion (Act 2 duet) and everything else in between. So much excitement and so much hard work, if you looked at my past, i was set up for a big fall.

But this time was destined to be different. This time, i could not fail. Rehearsals sped by and more and more i gained incredible confidence and trust in myself. It all internalized and was visible to all around me. I had regained that magnetism I had been known for when I first started this journey 7 years ago. The more confident I became, the easier to was to be myself for probably the first time in many years. I was able to joke around in rehearsal, engage myself completely with my fellow singers and truly pursue the best possible performance. Even when the orchestra was thrown in, I never felt that I was in over my head or that I would be holding things back.

Apparently the person I was before the whole Erin episode had found his way back into my skin. And it was evident to a lot of people that I wasnt the little kid anymore who lost his way and was far too cocky for his own good and trapped in a cycle of promise and epic failure. It's led to a problem (if i can even call it that) I didnt think i would run into again for a while. What's my next step? This life of great potential now has room to run, has been shot out of a cannon and I can only go up from here. My professional life is taking flight and I can see the destination around the corner, I can feel the warmth of the lights and the cheers of the audience and the love of the people around me.

In addition to my success in the professional realm, ive experience a renewed faith in my personal life. The confidence I gained and showed and the maturity ive somehow attained (probably by necessity) have made my life much easier to enjoy. Ive somehow managed to become a person people like being around, someone who is a good friend, a great partner and castmember, and someone who is looked up to for inspiration and relied on to show the way to a younger generation. I havent had that in a while. Its the kind of pressure I live for, because its the right kind. The recognition and accolades are all well and good, but to inspire and be thought of in these lights are truly moving.

The final piece is almost in place, the question is...

This night finds me awake deep into the hours

As much as sleep calls, a haunting memory creeps

Prevents me from closing my eyes

Cause when I do - there you are

As far as I am from you, you're still with me

It's been so long, and it's been so lonely

No place else has felt like home

In no one else's arms do I find Peace.

All I wanna do is hold you one last time

Kiss you one last time

See you smile one last time

Hear your voice one last time

Wake up to find you watching me one last time...

What good is the world when you don't have the girl?

Sydney, London, New York, Paris, Rome -

I'd given them all up for just one more moment with you

My sunshine in rain

My lone star in dark skies

My warm voice in cold winds

My rock, my refuge, my fortress, my fire - my love.

And though these words will never reach your ears,

I'll recite them every night as if they be prayers

From my lips to God's ears - the miracle I desire:

That no matter where I am, or you are

Safely we'll be kept, til we can be rejoined

Til the day I find my way back home...

How long it will be - I do not know

But everyday draws me closer

The billions of Seconds

Millions of Minutes

Thousands of Hours

Hundreds of Days

Will all need to pass before I can see

Before I can hear

Before I can smell

Before I can taste

Before I can touch you again

Before I can go home again.

I love you as much today as I did the day you left

I'll never stop loving you, no one can take that away

I'll always hope that sooner, wont be later

I'll always have you in my heart - you've get the key to it...

I hope wherever you are, you've got a smile

That twinkle in your eyes

That glow of contenment

Cause I'll be thinking of You.