Today

Today is a day where I know I will be struggling all day. A day where my heart will ache, my eyes will tear up, and my mind will race. I will try to fight it and hopefully lose. I will learn not to fight myself as much. I will learn to be more calm and take life as it comes to me. I will try to be less sensitive, more understanding, less combative. I will miss Tessa, want to see her, fall in love and have my heart broken by her. Today is going to be better than yesterday, but only half as good as tomorrow. Today and everyday I will be getting better. I will still fall, I will still fail, but I will be able to get back up and move on.

Almost two full years since I last created a digital form of myself. 2 years since I bared my soul toward the unforgiving world of the modern time. Things that were relevant, important, life-altering 2 years ago - carry no weight or sense of perception today. Ideas, concepts and needs I thought I had many years to yet concern myself with become more my reality than my future. I find myself older in years, older in experience and older in time but still the young boy at heart who loves nothing more than having fun. Still the little boy who dreams of being applauded by thousands. Still the young man who wants to be better tomorrow than he is today.

Even though my path has changed, the direction - altered, I still find within me the same goals and ideals that allowed me to get to the place I am today. I do still have many of the same wants, much like any other person definitely require the same needs. (with of course a few modifications). I've wanted much of the same things I always have. The love and respect of my family - which has almost never waned, even in my darkest, worst, weakest, most despicable moments. The ability to choose my path in much of the daily life I lead. Good friends, trustworthy people who I can put the safety of my life and death in their hands. A healthy voice - which even through some abuse, has given me power and beauty like I've never expected. The respect of my co-workers - I know not everyone will like me. I know not everyone will think I'm competent or intelligent. But I believe that respect is both earned and given, and much like the Golden Rule it is very much a two way street.

Most of all I've wanted, still want and will always want a competent, strong-willed, caring, beautiful, loving woman by my side. At times I have been luck enough to have one. At times I haven't been smart enough to do the right things at the right times to hold onto one. At times I have been cheated on, dumped, duped, lied to, and treated very poorly by women obviously not meant for me on a longer term basis than the amount of time they were in my life. Not one can say though that I didn't give everything I had at one point of another in the relationship.

I have however been a victim of my own overactive mind. My own stupidity. My own insecurities. I've overanalyzed, over-criticized, and over-thought myself into many a sticky situation and far too many awkward ones.

Every relationship is defined by moments. Between friends, between family, between lovers, between strangers. Moments that will either divide and tear the relationship apart, or fuse and bring the two people involved that much closer. But the effects may not necessarily be felt or realized or even recognized right away. It's the little things that arise in the absence of treading that ground again, of coming back to that moment that remind you or inspire you to remember how amazing or asinine that person is. Love is a serious of deeply intense moments, much like hate, but its easier to hate someone than love them. Love takes sacrifice and compromise, heartache and pleasure, and a lot of hard work to be successful.

How do you know when you've had a moment? Strangely enough, most times you won't know. The moment, the fleeting, ethereal, singular moment will have passed and neither person will have seen it, or felt it until it has long passed. Then you will look back on that moment and suddenly realized that a connection was made - the moment happened. Some people are able to know and appreciate a moment when it happens, or immediately following it.

I believe I am that type of person, I believe I have that gift.

It is a beautiful gift that is so difficult to explain and so hard to appreciate because it can be both beneficial and terrible at the same time. I remember some of the most embarrassing moments of my life, even from a young age, and I remember many of the most amazing and inspiring moments of my life, and those serve as fuel and reminder to my path and destination.

Such a gift to be given this moment in time.

Without remorse we believe each day belongs to us.

Without thinking we injure our spirit by deadening our senses.

There is no way out once everything has collapsed upon itself.

We shut ourselves out to the beauty in the seconds.

We ignore the importance of the passing minutes.

We neglect each other for a few hours of ethereal pleasure.

Soon the days of inspiration turn into weeks of hardship.

Months may pass before we no longer are embarrassed.

Years will pass before forgiveness can be given.

Before internal redemption can be had.

Before love can rise out of the ashes.

In these pre-dawn moments I cannot help but have tears in my eyes.

I know I am loved and yet I still feel so alone.

I have achieved, I have succeeded, I have triumphed.

I have given, taken, loved, hated.

I have wanted, needed, denied and accepted.

I have found, lost, begun and ended.

I have hurt, injured, healed, repaired.

I have woken, slept, worked and rested.

I've spoken with my heart, I've lashed out with my emotions.

I've defended and attacked.

I have lived and died everyday.

There are too many reasons not to do the right thing, so why do I chose to be different?

There are many reasons to give up, and yet why do I hold my head high?

There are excuses to have and give, and yet I seek no comfort in false promises.

I have a dream I am chasing and no one to share it with.

How does one overcome so much personal failure to still be successful in the life he loves?

How does one gain the courage to be a light in the darkest of hours?

Who dares to fight until their body collapses and their breath gives out?

Who claws to write his own destiny and never be held back by those who have doubted day after day and year after year?

I do.

I don't expect you to follow my lead, and I don't want you to tame me. I want you to run with me, take the reigns and share them with me. I want you to be the one who shelters you from the evil sent our way. I want to be the one to raise you high when you feel at your lowest. I want to give you everything you've dreamed about and pined for, just to see you smile - pure and genuine. I'd do anything to have you be the person you should be, not the one that gets worn down by the grind and the stress and the bullshit.

I don't expect you to love me for who you think I am. I want you to love me for the person you haven't met yet.

We know so little of what lies ahead of us, unless we create our own destiny and fill the script with our words, fill the canvas with our brushstrokes.

We live lives far too short to waste any moment that could be consumed by beauty.

Beauty that never needs to be seen by the eye or perceived by the beholder.

Beauty that may be oblivious to those enraptured by it, but beheld by all those around who can sense and appreciate what a fleeting moment of perfection this scene may be.

I'll do anything to see you smile, because thats when you look your best.

There is so much radiance that we fail to observe and adore. There are too many times where we don't see the shining spirit inside of us enough to release its power unto the world.

We hid behind our prejudices, our preconceptions, our fears and our failures.

We should embrace each challenge and learn as much as we can about those around us and who have come before us.

I'll always be here for you.

I'll always support you.

I'll always be by your side.

I'll always smile when I see you.

I'll always be the rock to give you strength, the arms to hold you tight, the shoulder to cry your pains away, the wind kissing your checks when I'm not around.

I will never abandon you

Oh Sheesh Y'all, Twas a Dream!

So it's 2am on a monday night/tuesday morning and im buzzing right along. So much on the brain i need to dump it out. After Fledermaus i got an audition for Merry Widow with the Amore Opera Co. formerly the Amato Opera Co. Rocked the audition and got an understudy of Camille. Well through a lot of hard work and dedication i managed to go from cover to lead Camille and performing 5 of the 12 performances scheduled. It was amazing. Rehearsing and performing in NYC has been a dream of mine for many many years, and here it was and there i was - doing it. i had to stop myself and reality check that i was actually there in Manhattan living my dream! The shows were phenomenal and i worked and was able to sing with so many talented and incredible people it all seemed like a dream. I owe a lot to my conductor, Mr. Ray Calderon who was great at pushing me to truly find all the nuances and expressions my role could capture and allowing me to be completely organic within the music, with the orchestra, with the role, and with him on stage and to simply let my artistry and talent shine.

Now I am currently working on Magic Flute, in which i will be playing Tamino and the role is considerably more difficult and challenging in terms of how much Tamino sings. The tessitura is also a little higher than Camille was, with fewer periods of resting low notes. Although not range wise as high as Camille, Tamino offers plenty of points for the Tenor to shine, especially in his Aria - "Dies Bildness". Absolutely Gorgeous. Mozart truly was a Genius, beyond any that exist today or in my opinion have ever existed. Such a same he died so young and without releasing and sharing all the beautiful music, talent and art locked inside that mind. I am so incredibly thankful for the opportunity to share in the heart and soul of an artist like Mozart and to do so in an environment that is a great beginning to what I hope is fruitful and lengthy career. These are the moments and this is the time i have waited and worked and hoped and prayed for, for many nights and weeks, months and years.

In other news, Ive started working at the Walt Whitman Apple Store in Huntington Station, NY. And its probably one of the best decisions i have ever made. What an amazing place to work and truly an amazing company to work for. Easily the most supportive and enlightening environment i have ever been a part of.

Ah so it's been some time yet again. A lot has happened since then. But then again it wouldnt be me if there wasnt something going on. I just performed Die Fledermaus at Hofstra, and it was amazing! But more on that in a moment.

September and October were pretty ho hum, although i did start working at a different restaurant. Same bullshit, different place lol. November was good, Thanksgiving especially cause i made a massive feast enjoyed by all and for many many days. But December is really where things felt like they were changing. I got offered a job at Apple, which i should start by the end of this month, my voice really came into its own, with a lot of help and guidance from my rockstar teacher, and i felt a whole new sense of confidence and an aura of peace came over me. Gone were the days of worrying if my voice would fail me, if I was even good enough to be doing this. My work ethic changed a lot too, especially when it came to music. I had been cast as Eisenstein in Die Fledermaus with a second guy, but it was his first foray into Opera so it was all a big unknown.

Even so I worked my butt off to make sure I was prepared for the second day of January when rehearsals started. And as soon as they started things really turned unusual. It was a sprint, everyday from 10 or 11 am until sometimes 930pm. Long, tiring days spent with some of the greatest cast members ever. Everyone seemed to be prepared and worked on things on their own. I could tell I was born for a role like this, lots of stage time, lots of acting, lots of singing and being able to express all the emotions. It had power (Act 3), energy (Act 1 duet), passion (Act 2 duet) and everything else in between. So much excitement and so much hard work, if you looked at my past, i was set up for a big fall.

But this time was destined to be different. This time, i could not fail. Rehearsals sped by and more and more i gained incredible confidence and trust in myself. It all internalized and was visible to all around me. I had regained that magnetism I had been known for when I first started this journey 7 years ago. The more confident I became, the easier to was to be myself for probably the first time in many years. I was able to joke around in rehearsal, engage myself completely with my fellow singers and truly pursue the best possible performance. Even when the orchestra was thrown in, I never felt that I was in over my head or that I would be holding things back.

Apparently the person I was before the whole Erin episode had found his way back into my skin. And it was evident to a lot of people that I wasnt the little kid anymore who lost his way and was far too cocky for his own good and trapped in a cycle of promise and epic failure. It's led to a problem (if i can even call it that) I didnt think i would run into again for a while. What's my next step? This life of great potential now has room to run, has been shot out of a cannon and I can only go up from here. My professional life is taking flight and I can see the destination around the corner, I can feel the warmth of the lights and the cheers of the audience and the love of the people around me.

In addition to my success in the professional realm, ive experience a renewed faith in my personal life. The confidence I gained and showed and the maturity ive somehow attained (probably by necessity) have made my life much easier to enjoy. Ive somehow managed to become a person people like being around, someone who is a good friend, a great partner and castmember, and someone who is looked up to for inspiration and relied on to show the way to a younger generation. I havent had that in a while. Its the kind of pressure I live for, because its the right kind. The recognition and accolades are all well and good, but to inspire and be thought of in these lights are truly moving.

The final piece is almost in place, the question is...

This night finds me awake deep into the hours

As much as sleep calls, a haunting memory creeps

Prevents me from closing my eyes

Cause when I do - there you are

As far as I am from you, you're still with me

It's been so long, and it's been so lonely

No place else has felt like home

In no one else's arms do I find Peace.

All I wanna do is hold you one last time

Kiss you one last time

See you smile one last time

Hear your voice one last time

Wake up to find you watching me one last time...

What good is the world when you don't have the girl?

Sydney, London, New York, Paris, Rome -

I'd given them all up for just one more moment with you

My sunshine in rain

My lone star in dark skies

My warm voice in cold winds

My rock, my refuge, my fortress, my fire - my love.

And though these words will never reach your ears,

I'll recite them every night as if they be prayers

From my lips to God's ears - the miracle I desire:

That no matter where I am, or you are

Safely we'll be kept, til we can be rejoined

Til the day I find my way back home...

How long it will be - I do not know

But everyday draws me closer

The billions of Seconds

Millions of Minutes

Thousands of Hours

Hundreds of Days

Will all need to pass before I can see

Before I can hear

Before I can smell

Before I can taste

Before I can touch you again

Before I can go home again.

I love you as much today as I did the day you left

I'll never stop loving you, no one can take that away

I'll always hope that sooner, wont be later

I'll always have you in my heart - you've get the key to it...

I hope wherever you are, you've got a smile

That twinkle in your eyes

That glow of contenment

Cause I'll be thinking of You.

Step by step, minute by minute.

I live for the moment coming next.

There was a time I lived for my past.

There was a time I lived for my future.

No more can I wallow in my failures.

No more can I exist in my dreams.

Every so often I change, every so often I progress.

I've decided, I'm no longer divided.

I'll give me all to this very moment, and then the next, and the next.

Nothing will get in my way, nothing can stop my success.

I know now what truly holds precedence.

I know now what I want.

I know now what I need.

I know now what I've been searching 25 years for.

I was too blind to realize what I had, too arrogant to see my own faults, too selfish to understand what I was pushing away.

So many times I've made the same mistakes, so many times I refused to learn.

No longer, my blinders - removed, my instincts heightened.  Follow my heart, it will lead me to be enlightened.  For the dream is fleeting, it always changes, but the heart it knows me better than my own two hands.  My heart knows what I've longed for longer than my own eyes.  My heart hears me better than if I had the ears of a child.  

The noise has dimmed, the thoughts calm.  My mind does not flutter, my ears do not ring.  My inner voice is silent, so that my true voice can sing.  It can proclaim loud and clear that I no longer a child, but not yet a king.  I've set my sights on the palace, the castle I will rule.  My kingdom may be small, but it is filled nonetheless.  Full of promise, love, and peace ... until my dying breath.  

But what is a king without his queen? No man can rule such a place alone.  She is out there, she is waiting, maybe I know her ... perhaps I don't.  She possess a beauty she may not even know, a beauty so unique it's never had a chance to glow.  She may not think herself royal, but to me she fulfills every dream.  She's as soft as a feather, yet as tough as steel, she'll fight like a lion, and love like a lamb.  She's perfect in every way, and every day she surprises me with something new I didn't know she could do.  She can be as bitter as winter, or as sweet as spring.  She can love with passion like fire, and still can be as cold as ice.  She curse me in the morning, and yet forgive me every night.  She gives me strength when I am weak, she gives me comfort when I am worn.  She holds me tight when I am tired, and only lets go with the rising morn.  She'll give me everything she has and only ask for the same in return, little does she realize that I'll give her everything I have, and more. She never need ask for my love, it's already hers.  She's quieted my soul, she's given purpose to this desire ... she's calmed the wind, yet stoked the fire.

I think I already know her, I think she's already worked her way in this heart of stone. She's cracked the shell of these defenses, broken down the walls I've put up.  

She's sparked this change, this change that's been far too long in coming ... and the best part is,

The change is here.

The worst part is - 

She isn't, and it's killing me inside

Every artist needs his muse...be it a woman, an object in nature, etc.  Beauty can be found everywhere and anywhere, it depends on what you are looking for.  Beauty exists in a voice, a touch, a look and the connection you have with another person.  Beauty is whatever you want it to be...there can even be beauty in destruction.  Beauty gives us freedom to express, and therefore create beauty ourselves.  Beauty is something you cannot define without expressing something else.  Beauty is an appreciation of love,  a necessity of happiness, and the foundation of a relationship.  There, in the moments spent with a lover, or a friend, or a family member, beauty shines its brightest and energizes the soul. Beauty is created with a kiss, a hug, a caressing stroke.  Beauty is an emotion expressed in subtle form.  From the vibrant color of a flower, to the elegant construction of a bridges, to the astounding efficiency of a computer.  Emotion is beauty expressed in physical form.  To love, to hate, to sympathize, to empathize...all are beautiful in that way they are created, and can be beautiful in the was they are expressed - it is all dependent on the artist, the audience, and the medium. 

For me beauty is in music and beauty is in poetry.  My beauty i express with singing, playing, and writing, my beauty i share, my beauty i give to all.  My beautiful gives me courage, the beauty i see makes me strong.  The beauty i enjoy lifts my spirit, my beauty ignites my song.  The beautiful i hold is sweet and caring, the beauty i desire i see when i slumber.  I'd give everything for the beauty i see, i would do anything for the beauty that inspires me.  Beauty is in a woman, in her eyes and in her voice.  Beauty is in her touch, her kiss, in her choice.  Her choice is enigmatic - a puzzle to complex for man.  But her choice is beautiful, her choice is wonderful, her choice brings beauty to this man.

For me beauty is music and beauty is in poetry.  For me beauty is in a woman, for she expresses music and poetry, for she inspires my music and poetry, for she gives me my music and my poetry, for she IS my music and my poetry.  

For me my muse is a woman, my muse is a song, my muse is a poem.

My muse is all of those in one.

This beauty, this feeling so benign

Her grace, an angel so divine

A love I should not have, but cannot deny

My strength fails, my emotions fly

As soon as she enters the room

I feel my heart - boom, buh-boom

A deafening drum, a drowning drone

Hoping to speak to her, yet wishing we were alone

Feeling myself fall for her

Wanting to do everything with her

I can already feel the sorrow

I'm already fighting back the tears

I'll need to ignore the thought of her tomorrow

Must follow the rules set out over the years

Can't push too much, too far

My heart would be left with naught but a scar

Too deep to give up, too cautious to give in

Each road is a loss - What path must I take to win?

Trying to be a man and finding I'm still scared like a child

My heart tears me in two, my mind runs wild

Afraid to fail, yet determined to succeed

So hard to give up an emotion you need

For love her I do

And miss her I do

Hold her I will

And kiss her I will

If not today, perhaps tomorrow

So my mind will race, but no self-pity or sorrow

Ask and thou shalt receive

Know and truly believe

I've got everything I need to be victorious

The first time was amazing, the next - Glorious

Many an hour will have passed

But this fire was built to last

A passion brought forth from deep inside

Discovered by a woman - Beautiful and Kind

Strong and Brave, Tender and Loving

She set my heart ablaze and my mind running

Stunning yet subtle

She knows just how to make me crumble

A work of art Da Vinci could not touch

Her surpassing beauty remains as such

No blemish or imperfection

Just look in her eyes - feel the connection

To the world of the divine, the beauty of perfection

So I surrender to you, I surrender to this emotion, Even though I shouldn't, I said that I wouldn't.

But I know that when I sleep tonight, I will dream of you

Tonight I am with you - If only in a dream

But tomorrow is a new day

And new days give life to the dream

May the Dream I have tonight

Become the Reality I live tomorrow

There is nothing more amazing, wonderful, or intoxicating than the passionate kiss of a woman.

Ok with the election stuff out of the way...now for some more personal items.  I had my Senior Recital October 24th and it was amazing...im trying to upload the vids on YouTube but at present it is giving me trouble...and now i have 3 concerts in 5 days starting with Collegium Musicum on Saturday, Opera Scenes on Sunday, and Chorale on Wednesday...but fortunately thats pretty much it for the semester!!! December i am done with school...and will be looking for any and all opportunities to sing and perform everywhere...I will be doing L'Incoronazione di Poppea with the Hofstra Opera in January and then its just gonna be work, work, work to save some money and hopefully hook up with an Opera company.  

So thats my professional and educational life...as for my personal life - ive made some breakthroughs...I think ive learned how to truly endear people and i can say pretty much that most everyone i know and everyone i meet either instantly likes/liked me or has grown to like me.  Ive definitely gotten better at dealing with my parents...maybe ive finally begun to understand them and vice versa...its not easy for any parent to have an independent thinking child, but especially not one who is an artist/musician and walks to a completely different beat than they do.  Relationships have been "All Quiet on the Western Front" as anything that had potential quickly dissipated and i returned back to where i started.  But then again, certain things have shown promise, recently and im trying to keep my options open while getting to know more about myself and these other people - where do i fit in in their lives and where do they fit in in mine, and are our personal goals similar? is there a passion for something that life has to offer? Is there a sparkle in the eye, a fire that never goals dull when you pursue a passion, only when you settle for less than you are worth...On the note of eyes - I find it peculiar, yet awesome, - my obsession with eyes.  I want to get lost in a girl's eyes - I find great beauty and depth there. I envision myself in close quarters, possibly holding someone and looking into her eyes and being able to see the passion she has for who she is, for what she does, and hopefully for me.  There is no sweeter sight than to look into the eyes of someone you care about and to see them smile with their eyes and tell you they love you without them moving a muscle in their mouth.

I'm not even 100% sure why I'm writing, but I guess it's a bit of a necessity.  This country has just made the biggest mistake in it's long and storied history of mistakes.  How we let a man whose background is in question, whose never been a leader of anything other than being in the senate for a mere 4 years! - into the highest position of power in the world is beyond me.  He has never put any actions into congress, never backed anything and we don't know anything that he truly stands for in the political, economic, educational, or military forums.  One of his closest advisors for the majority of his life has been a radical, fundamentalist who is to feared as much as any terrorist on foreign soil.  But for this country's sake i do hope i am completely wrong...but im not taking too many chances and am probably moving either to Canada or Germany when the moment presents itself

So what do you do when you've lost something you thought was almost a certainty to last? Never Surrender. Stand firm and fight for what you want and what you think is right! But also allow for a time when you need to reflect, learn, grow, retreat and formulate a new plan for the next stage to come. You can cry, sob, hate, loathe, love, regret, accept and destroy all you want, but the true test comes in the knowledge that you didn't fall out of love, you didn't stop liking each other or wanting to be together, it's just that you fell victim to outside interventions, extenuating circumstances, and challenges even the most stout of heart and influential of mind could not overcome. You could have been Casanova and Caesar together and not have fought to win this battle. Only maybe if you were there, in the same city, going to the same school, and around all the time to show your passion and not just be forced into a phone call or an IM to express how you feel. If only she could see the love in your eyes everyday, and feel the beating of your heart for her would it be possible to have her know and believe that no obstacle could have come between us, except for our own mistakes.

What does it take to fully love someone, even their flaws and quirks? A pure heart, a heart not afraid, and a will strong as steel. It takes a love stronger and tougher than diamond, and a person of incredible passion and desire with an accepting and forgiving mind. You don't see flaws as such, you see them as lovely little idiosyncracies which when brought to the surface, are just more reasons to love the her more today than yesterday. Love takes superhuman strength, superhuman emotions, superhuman drive. Whatever comes in your path, its the bond and connection, physical, emotional, "spiritual" and others that weathers the storm and becomes your shield from the fire and brimstone, the tempest that gathers bringing rain and thunder to shake your foundation to its core. It is in how you began that will determine how you end. Love can conquer all, as cliche as that is, and you should never give up on something so beautiful.

Given the chance, I would go back and begin sooner. I would have admitted and asked earlier, giving me and her a chance to get a stronger bond. But c'est la vie, life cannot be altered and cannot be changed...a loss today may become a gain tomorrow. Do I mourn for my loss? Absolutely, i would not be writing this if i didn't. Have i learned and grown and become able to deal with the loss? Indeed I have, but not without the help of the woman I was just separated from. Even with all my experiences and broken hearts in the past, I learned how to become more stable and able to deal with something ending so quickly and suddenly. It may have ended, but that doesnt mean its over and gone...it never is, not for me.

I've given myself an ability I use to an advantage. I've allowed for a love to remain in my heart in a small space for each one ive had. Every woman ive ever loved or had feelings for continues to this day to have a very special and private place in my heart where everything i miss and had with that person remains.

i have met quite a number of people in my life, some have made short-lived impressions, while others have left their mark on me such that i can and could never repay them for their input in my life. There is always one person in someone's life that touches them forever, no matter how short the encounter may have been. Sometimes, that person can be a friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, acquaintance, teacher, or even a mentor. I had a mentor, wait, let me rephrase that. I have a mentor. A man that i would never thought could have such an impact on my decisions in life in such a short period of time. His wisdom, his uncritical ear, and knack for saying just the right things when the moments called for a word of inspiration, were just a few of the many attributes and talents of one Charlie Riecker. Though i had only known Charlie 2 1/2 years, his impact was astounding.....my mentor, my friend, my source of insight and strength and drive, he exemplified the greatest attributes of humanity. I will miss you everyday and there will always be a seat for you front row of every performance i do, and there will be a special tribute i make for you when i debut at the Met my friend. I wish you could be there when i do my recital.....i know you would have been so proud, but i will sing my heart out and maybe just maybe you can hear me up there......I love you Charlie.......

You never can truly understand the fragility of life until it smacks you right in the face. Within a year's time, ive lost my puppy, Shadow, my dad was days away from a massive possibly fatal heart attack and needed quadruple-bypass surgery to save his life and last night my mother was rushed to the hospital with a minor stroke. For someone who is 21, an only child, and relies on his parents for many things, not just monetary, but support, understanding and infinite advice, the idea of losing my parents this soon is way too much for me to try to comprehend and scarier than being thrown into a pit of poisonous snakes. If i were to lose one or both of my parents at this stage of my life, i dont know what i would do and certainly my world would crumble into nothing and id be left with a pile of rubble i dont know that i would be able to dig myself out of. The experience has been earth-shattering...a catalyst and further emphasis for me to want to get the fuck out of school even sooner. I want to establish my career, settle down and start my family so that my parents can enjoy their later years in peace and spend time with their grandkids.....i just know what i want, know how to get there, the only thing left is completing all this mindless bullshit called school...



Erin i love you, thank you for all your support and love through this......i hope you feel better soon

Well another new year has arrived and things have been going pretty smoothly so far. January was full of rehearsals and such for Carmen and we just performed the show to 3 nearly sold out houses this past Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The two weeks prior to the show i was very very stressed out due to several factors, namely our director's incompetence, lack of help from certain people. and certain members of the cast who need to be removed from the planet. In other words.....they say Mars is open....so why not load'em up and crash their fuckin rocket into the surface. New Years was great....Paulie, Bobby and I hosted a party at Leo's in Garden City, and cause we didnt have to drive, we drank until our brains gave up on us and shut down......it was fun. Now that a new semester has started, getting back into the swing of school has been an adventure. But ive got a great woman behind me who is really supportive and has been working with me to make sure i do well in class, and we've both been trying to push each other to do well and to succeed and get through school. I like my English and Bio professors a lot, and actually find classes exciting and interesting, and would feel like i was missing out if i didnt go to class. The work ill be doing is still a lot, but i wont be doin Chamber Singers, for reasons that i wont delve into because they are between myself, Dr. Fryling and a few other people.

To think that only a few months ago, at the beginning of this semester, i gave up my search, stopped trying to find that perfection i figured i was destined not to find for a long time, seems to be the right thing to do, to just let my life lead me to the person i would meet next and begin a relationship with again. I could have never believed, if someone told me that i would be in this position with this girl, at this time......i would have laughed in their face and told them they were ridiculous. My imagination is wild and free, but never in 100 lifetimes would it have dreamt up the current way things are, with me and her being able to talk freely, to hold each other, love each other and be each others dream come true. She was always far away, off in another world, untouchable......but slowly over the time of this year, she became closer and closer, until she was in so near i could simply reach out and there she was.......and then came the greatest moment, when the unimaginable became a definite reality.......the first time we kissed, i instantly became hooked, i was totally captured by her touch, her sweet heart, her beautiful smile and amazing passion that became apparent even more so than it was before. Lost i was, only to be found and to wake up in the embrace of a gift, truly an angel, truly amazing.......

So everything happens for a reason right?......and people say that there is such a thing as a soulmate, the heart's reflection in another......these things i never believed before, never understood the concept and idea of how with all the billions of people out there, that only one person could honestly be for me, and i never thought that things happen for a reason, i thought "such is life, and i must learn and deal with what i am given." Well i've definitely been converted to these beliefs when i met her.....this angel who was handed to me by the heavens, as perfect as i could ever have wished for. She makes me incredibly happy to wake up everyday and spend my time with someone i can say that i truly love with all my heart....it seems that my prayers from an earlier post.....Like the sweet melodies i hear and play everyday, she has become part of me, part of my life, my heart. I dont think ive ever felt, in fact i know ive never felt this strongly about someone or something in my life. She smiles when she sees me, when she talks to me, when she thinks about me. I smile every minute of everyday because she is in my heart and thoughts and i know, i know so well that ive never been this lucky, never been this happy, never been this appreciated for who i am and what i do for her......and i never expect anything in return, nor would i want more than just her love, respect and support.....her trust, her honesty, and her happiness are what keep me so infinitely satisfied. From the intangibles, often the most fleeting of emotions, to the concrete, her touch, her smile, her kiss, and just her, all of her, make me quite possibly the happiest and luckiest man in the world, nay, the universe. Its been so long i only hope i havent forgotten what a relationship like this truly means to me, because it is sooooo perfect and it feels soooo right and ive never felt like this about anyone so absolutely, so suddenly and yet so right. Ive been waiting for such a long time and to finally have what i know ive been searching for, for the past 3 years is the most satisfying, most gratifying feeling in the world. I love her, and now that i am in this and i love being with her.........i think my smile and my happiness may be everlasting

I have to be the luckiest person i know......besides the fact that ive had an awesome year singing, and that school work has surprisingly been easy....and that i found $20 at the mall today......its much more than that......many things have turned out in my favor, and i think that maybe the bad years and suffering from 2003 til now have finally drawn to an end.....i have never been happier, more satisfied with my life, and with what i have accomplished, and that things that have presented to me......its absolutely unreal. I have been recently touched by an angel, a divine spirit in the form of a beautiful, amazing woman.....to prove that eventually even nice guys sometimes can get the girl of their dreams.....she lifts me up, makes me feel like im flying and i cant thank her enough for all that she has given me, just by action and words. And i need to remind her right here and now, that i will stand by her no matter what happens, and that she can always count on me for anything.......

This is by far the happiest ive been in a long time.....things are really starting to fully come together and its amazing.....that loneliness i have experienced for the past 2 1/2 years may soon be coming to a dramatic close and it is something id never thought would happen....I wake up everyday with a smile, every breathe seems to be more and more invigorating.....in the words of Billy Joel...."She's got a way about her, dont know what it is, but i know i cant live without her anyway." More and more things begin to have such a purpose, i want to do so much and just get out of school, do well and get started on my life....she is such an inspiration to me, without ever having to say a word, she makes me realize that i quite possibly may be the luckiest guy out there.....Her smile lights up my day, her voice puts me at ease and her kiss.....filled with passion that i simply cannot get anywhere else.....its breathtaking. I wish that i could spend more time with her, its the best part of my day, but i know that soon, very soon, things will actually be better than they are now.....and although it may not seem possible, nothing would make me happier than what i know, what i feel, what i hope is coming